Yesterday I wanted to feel numb, feel nothing. I felt dead inside and out. Worthless is the word with anger built up. I then wanted to feel pain, cut me, like I've done so many times before. Not to kill myself but just feeling the knife slide through my arm, and watch me bleed. But I didn't feel the pain, burning myself with a cig is the most painful thing. I light a cig and place it to the soft part of my skin so that it would hurt the most. Why do I feel I deserve feeling the pain? my kids suffering, bad choices, going the direction I went. I can see my life traveling right before my eyes with 4 eyes of my 2 daughters. I wish they understood the choices they make are the choices I took and it got me here, which is nowhere. homeless, dying inside, I can almost smell me rotting inside.
I am working on trying so hard to let it go, its out of my hands, and place it into Gods hands, telling him they are his children and they don't need to suffer like I did and my Mother experienced the same cycle. I put her and my Dad through what my kids are putting me through. I never knew it hurt them that much, as it hurts me each day. I start to pray around 4am and continue to pray in silence until my boyfriend awakes. But the pain is still there, and then the numbness, the desire to feel pain in a different way. It forces me to cry, not to hold it in, letting it go, but its the wrong way to feel it.
My heart aches, stabbing feeling, and not like the love loss of someone intimate, just someone I care about, a different kind of love, my children are my life, I think of them everyday and a couple times an hour.
to try to think positive, let things go, allow them to go on their own...
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