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The last few nights I have awaken to anxiety. My heart beats out of my chest and I have to get up and the time is usually around 3 am. Sound crazy? well I had a change in medications, my Doctor prescribed Norco's as a pain relief instead of tramadol. I think that Norco's have something to do with it, so I've decided to not take the Norco's so late in the day. Norco's are a narcotic, where as Tramadol aren't. Last night I still woke up at 3am, but at least it wasn't because of anxiety. I just felt like I'd had enough sleep, I went to be at 7:30am, and if you think about it, thats 8 hours of sleep and I slept really good.

My boyfriends house is so cold in the early mornings, I mean most of the time but the wood stove helps keep the kitchen warm. Actually we don't even have to put milk away or eggs, the temperature doesn't get very warm, so we can leave them out.

update on the kitties, they are outside kitties now and they like it. I put a flannel old blanket into the old wood stove outside and they all crawl into it, even know its not very big of an area, they pi;e up on each other. But once they get bigger they will probably fight over the spot.

When I woke at 3am I thought of so many things to blog about but I didn't have my writing book to write down those ideas and I thought to myself that "I'd remember". Well I was wrong, I forgot, my minds a blank. I know what when I woke up I felt peaceful, and I close my eyes and pray in the silence. I am at my daughters apartment and this poem came to me; (now don't forget to subscribe to my blog below;



Its a small world outside my window
I feel safe inside
I’ve realized I have to make avow

stop this crying
breathe and do the right thing
I cry in the night feeling loneliness
its the only way I am able to express

hidden feelings
desiring only to feel numbness
depression seems to never go away
acting as if everything is okay
even know I am feeling somewhat gray
forcing myself to get up and get dressed
feelings of nothing but stress and depressed

the fog that drift through the air
my eyes are blurred,
but deep down inside I know I am blessed
praying for allay
relieving all of my pain with pills to go away
this feeling of dismay

I pray that my "will power" be stronger then my sadness
with me on my knees,
I am ready to confess
place your light upon me
so that I will feel your
guide-ness and tenderness

praying to have a home of my own
a place, where I feel I belong
I had it all but I lost it
I had no backbone

everything I feel I’ve done wrong
singing those sad and depressing songs
I’ve been sitting here,
I moan, cry and I groan

depressed is my cope
lost all hope
only God is my stepping stone
I need a stronger drive

God is the one who has helped me always to survive
but sometimes those steps seem so high
all I want to do is just give up and say good bye

but that voice within me -yells
that my God is my only supply
wiping my tears,
so I am able to see clearly
God will set me free
so I need to stop asking why
pray,
to reach for that faith and try

as God is my strength
and he is closer then arms length
I will drive myself out of this trench.

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