Blogger Widgets When My Life Becomes a Book: How I feel today

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

How I feel today

So I've been set back to square "A". I thought I was succeeding in life and now- its becomes a black hole. My addiction seems to be taking over me, I am frightened on my future of where I am going to be or end up.

I know that I will never end up living with my boyfriend, he made it quite clear on that last night. Maybe he was angry, but I don't feel comfortable in moving into a man's place, he will have the power, and not only that is that he doesn't trust me, he thinks that I will stick him paying my internet bill and the gas and electric bill. I wish I had a place of my own, enough money to move into just a quiet cottage or cabin to call my own. Is there a man out there that's actually willing to just provide for a woman, and not write everything down that she owes him?

I wrote a little in my diary last night as I cried.

it begins like this;
These feelings sometimes overwhelms me, I am happy one minute, angry or sad the next. Roller coaster ride from hell it seems, I have no home or direction in my life. I pray to see where I am going. So God, am I praying the wrong way? I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man and now I find out that he doesn't trust me because of the past things that have happened to him. I don't blame him because its happened to me more then once. I thought that any prayer worked, maybe I am not praying enough.

My life to me seems to be a dark hole, shattered., even know at the beginning I knew it wasn't going to work I forced myself to try and change the situation. I've been trying to play the wife and mother figure and it felt so comfortable, happy and content. But last night he blew up telling me everything that he told me was going to happen, won't happen. So like I said at the beginning of this letter, I am back to square "A", with no where for my daughter and me to stay. I was living in a world I called heaven being the happy little wife and mother but thats not what he wants because of trust. Trust is a big thing in a relationship. I was absorbing the moment all by myself and now I feel I am crushed, shattered and mashed. My feeling were hurt of what he had said, it made me angry and very sad.

So who am I kidding that it would of worked out, he didn't want my furniture in his house making excuses like it'd be to much furniture in his house, I should of saw the clue then.

I can't move into a mans house, the last one was a bad experience and I had that to live with, within my mind, I should of known and saw the signs. I really thought I was making him happy, cooking, cleaning and even baking pies. I enjoyed doing it because its actually what I do best, but he doesn't want that lifestyle. I have been cramping his lifestyle, he really does like being alone, and even know he says he doesn't mind me there I think he really does, because being alone means just that, "being alone".

I know I can't change anybody and I didn't think that I was, but I guess I was. I've invaded his space, privacy and his routine.

So now my life is back into that dark hole of not knowing which way to go. It would be nice God, if you would show me a sign on what the heck I am suppose to do or which direction to go. I am just tried of being tossed around with my emotions as much as my lifestyle. Maybe you have shown me a sign and I am to blind to see it. So I'll check to see if there is any apartments available because I need to get into a place soon because my daughter is pregnant. I feel I have failed as being the mother I should be. It breaks my heart. I think eventually that he will push me completely out of his house. Trust is a major factor with relationships and he doesn't trust me. Who was it that said love is stronger then hate? they forgot to mention trust. I guess we are to remain lonely, our memories of our past experiences always comes back and bites us on the ass.

We trust no one, that way our feelings never get hurt. But is our feelings really safe from others that hurt us? its the ones that are the closest that hurt us the most, the ones that don't know us, we don't seem to care if they hurt us or not.

But, again, who am I kidding when I thought I could fit into his lifestyle, we are so different but yet the same in so many ways. I miss my furniture and belongings and I long for a place of my own. It was a great experience pretending to being that wife, cook and cleaned for him...I'll miss that. Today is a sad day for me.

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