To feel pain/ or to feel numb

Yesterday I wanted to feel numb, feel nothing. I felt dead inside and out. Worthless is the word with anger built up. I then wanted to feel pain, cut me, like I've done so many times before. Not to kill myself but just feeling the knife slide through my arm, and watch me bleed. But I didn't feel the pain, burning myself with a cig is the most painful thing. I light a cig and place it to the soft part of my skin so that it would hurt the most. Why do I feel I deserve feeling the pain? my kids suffering, bad choices, going the direction I went. I can see my life traveling right before my eyes with 4 eyes of my 2 daughters. I wish they understood the choices they make are the choices I took and it got me here, which is nowhere. homeless, dying inside, I can almost smell me rotting inside.

I am working on trying so hard to let it go, its out of my hands, and place it into Gods hands, telling him they are his children and they don't need to suffer like I did and my Mother experienced the same cycle. I put her and my Dad through what my kids are putting me through. I never knew it hurt them that much, as it hurts me each day. I start to pray around 4am and continue to pray in silence until my boyfriend awakes. But the pain is still there, and then the numbness, the desire to feel pain in a different way. It forces me to cry, not to hold it in, letting it go, but its the wrong way to feel it.

My heart aches, stabbing feeling, and not like the love loss of someone intimate, just someone I care about, a different kind of love, my children are my life, I think of them everyday and a couple times an hour.

My plan;

to try to think positive, let things go, allow them to go on their own...

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This weekend

I have lots to say but nothing really important to say. My weekend was peaceful for just part of the day, but my boyfriend and his son had a raging fight and so did him his daughter, I won't get into that.

To tell you the truth I haven't missed the internet much, its been a little vacation for me. No withdrawals or anything.

Another thing is that my X-husband came to town and we had a little argument about wether or not he should borrow money form his daughter or now seeing that he hasn't paid child support in 10 yrs. But I'll won't get into that either, its just too upsetting to me, him coming to town with no money and eating all of the food that my daughter paid for. As far as I am concerned he should of came down to take his kids out to dinner and spent more time with them outside of the apartment. I did let him know what I think of him and it helped with releasing stress but he probably didn't acknowledge it, or comprehend anything I said. I shouldn't infer with her affairs but I was burning up inside.

Sometimes I wonder about if she has any respect for me, when she says that she doesn't know how to say no to him and yet she kicks me out of her house. But we cleared that up yesterday when she stated that I was her hero...sounds like a joke just because of the position I am in financially.

I know that I haven't blog in 4 days but me and my X- husband don't get along very well so I've been avoiding going over to my daughters house because thats where he is at.

I spent the whole day yesterday with my boyfriend Ted, the weather was shitty outside, and talk about being cold. The wind was icy out and I could hardly stand to even go outside to smoke a cig.

I wrote down my feelings onto paper so that I know what to blog about and this is what I wrote.

Belonging;
Lost but never found
empty with a strange surroundings
once, feeling comfortable and now realizing that the surroundings are not even mine
no money to get a place of my own, will I even see my pictures hanging on the walls, my furniture to sit on, the photos of memories, my dishes and bed.

I feel completely lost
Where am I, who am I
where do I really belong?
want or maybe needing to go
I write down my feeling on paper
like a simple pray
maybe God will hear me
to other they never care
its not my life they have to share
but to me it releases stress
makes it easier to deal with my mess
So, I continue to write
I read other pages and I am so emotional
I feel weak, empty with no power
Life is strange
I guess I have to make do with where I am at



Anywho, hope very thing is well with all of you and I have to say I missed all of you.

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Fellow Bloggers

I decided to start a new viral link connect because the last time I participated in it, my ratings with technorati went up from 9 all the way up to 145 in two weeks with my blog "When Life Becomes a Book. I was AMAZED !!! each time you post a viral link, with each blogger/ friend you pick, YOU rate their technorati as your favorite and then every time your blog title gets placed into another blog, your ratings for your blog authority goes up...


Rules of the viral links;
1. you place the rules of the game into you post.
2. describe what it does to your ratings and how it works, so everyone participates.
3. chose 5 people/ friends/ blogger to add to the links.
4. Then add the links that the last post had, and the list goes on and on.

CUT AND PASTE THE FOLLOWINGS, TAG ANOTHER 5 FELLOW BLOGGERS AND ADD TO THE LIST

Bloggers I've picked

1. Renatodoxaguia
2. Angel Baby
3. The Sleeping Turtle Art Gallery
4. Hanna
5. JollyJo

Be sure and contact these blogger to let them know about the game so that the ratings keep going up...

In the last game these blogs were picked, add them as well to keep the game going;

1.The Strategist Note Book
2.The Classy Life
3. Agenc Was Here
4.When Life Becomes a Book
5.The Haven
6.The FireWalker

7. crystrad
8. nadnuts
9. ThomasWelcome
10. Maitri
11. Dhanosh

12.Marketing Myself
13.Brawny Hunk
14.Motorparasi
15.Ash
16.Annette

17. Super Hero Extraordinare
18.Everyday should be Christmas
19.The Gadget Guru tech
20.Available Light
21.Dad's Dish

22.What Goes Under the Sun
23.One Quart Low
24.Stephan Miller
25.Mental Poo
26.Search for Blogging



In the last viral links game these links were picked, add them as well to continue the game.

All of these blogs have Amazing posts !!!

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