In my recovery from being an alcoholic, I have realized that reality is quite frightening to me. What it is that I want in my life and then it hits me and I ask myself "Have I come to a dead-end street?"... "Have the lights been turned off, forever?" ..."Where is the light?"..."which direction do I go?"..."what is wrong with me?"...these are an addicts fears.
So I pause and desire to go forward and that is where my daughter Alex comes in, she tells me that it is possible to continue to work, I'm not completely dead, or disabled. Persists is her middle name. My strength is my daughter Jilly, she fights to believe in her higher power and clings to it, that its the right direction and that her inner voice is the choice and decision she makes, and pushing out the negative.
I am babbling on and on, my mind is focused on that job I applied for. It is a live-in position as a care giver. He is allowing me to stay at his Dads house, rent free and going to pay wages to me. He called me this morning telling me him and his brother will be reviewing the applications and will get back to me, but his Dad is in a care home facility and has to remain there for 3-4 weeks because of the medi-care rules.
Only thing is that I am afraid of getting it because my self esteem and my abilities of caring for him. I haven't done nursing in so long, returning back to work, especially a live-in position has put a little fear into me on whether or not I am able to preform this responsibility. But more of me wants to because I miss working, as I use to be a workaholic. I miss the rush in the beginning of a shift and the ending of one. My miss my co-workers and being able to make the patients pleased with the care I give them.
Darn, I am not able to say exactly what it is I want to say, its all mumbling to me...I have a little anxiety now and then, and I found out what helps and that is to walk somewhere kinda fast, but I am so out of shape.
Another thing is that my boyfriend needs me, and he says he will miss me. I will diffidently miss him, he needs someone to help him keep his house cleaned.
"Will I be able to preform with my disability?"..."my pain?"...and "Being on these pain medications?"...I would have to stop taking the ones that keep me confused seeing that the patient is confused, it would be like the blind leading the blind. I know that I could quit because I have quit so many other addictions in my live and I can become addicted to my work again. My fear is that when my pain reaches to high of a level and I am not able to preform to help him. I've gone to the emergency room because of my pain level reaching the highest level, causing me to vomit and not being able to keep my eyes open. I get a headache like a migraine and it causes me to vomit. These are my fears.
Anywho, thanks for reading my jumbling and rambling on...have a great weekend !!!
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