My life was full of mistaken beliefs and the desire to be removed from own skin. I wanted to be left alone and put into my own little world. I was unaware that life could be anything other than dreams, never to be fulfilled because I wasn’t willing to put forth the effort to make them come true. I was only interest in getting drunk to hide my feelings. I was scared that I would not be liked, and then I was scared that I would be liked--and I’d have to be a friend. I didn’t know what a friend was. I thought a friend was someone who would drink with me or supply it.
I was afraid that reality of life would reach up and bite me on the backside. I was afraid that people would see that I was a nice person and then would use it to their advantage. Or
I was afraid they would see the insecure person who stood before them.
I spent so much time hiding my own true self that I got lost somewhere in the abyss of lies and stories of grandeur. “I had was lost my thinking. I wanted prove that I was a tough person.
I think that a prisoner would be able to maintain sobriety more easily on the inside. But as an alcoholic, I have always found a way to make or obtain a substance to remove the pain that has been with me since early on.
Today, there is no way on God’s green earth I would allow my life to return to the way it was. Today I understand that freedom is state of mind, not a physical attribute. I always believed that saying “I’m sorry” would make everything okay. In time, those words became as hollow as how I was feeling. I understand that life will throw challenges at me. But there is a way to remain in recovery and stride forward.
As an alcoholic we all have a reason to drink, just ask me “why did I have that first drink today?” I can tell you a whole line of excuses…just because the urge was just there…pain is the one reason that pops up into mind, it’s that pain from the past, pain from the present, and generalize pain. If only there was a way out, a way out from causes all of us to resort to our habits, or worst desires and or addictions. But… there is…its called believe…believe in that upper strength, that higher power.
My other blogs;
1. Across this bridge
2. Marketing myself
3. Struggling parents
4. When life become a book
5. Read Between the Lines
6. Internet Lifestyle
7. The Sleeping Turtle Art Gallery